I Want CandyDead
by Dana-Lith
Summary: Ever wondered why Yazoo always seems so tired coughstonedcough ? Well, Here's the reason! Yuppers, a hyper Kadaj and late night phone conversations about fictitious girls makes for one sleepy coughstonedcough Yazoo... Total crack fic! 'Tis funny!


Heya peeps

Heya peeps! I know I have stories I need to update…But I felt like being random and this idea just wouldn't leave me alone! All the dialogue here is taken from the song, 'I want Candy…Dead…" Search it on YouTube! 'Tis Hil-ari-ous! Anyway, rated for the language and sexual references, of course. Enjoy!

oOoOoOoOoOoOIt'saline!oOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Sighing Yazoo flopped down on the huge bed that dominated his bedroom, stretching luxuriously he allowed his eyes to slip closed as he began to fall asleep. Just as he began to hover on the edge of unconsciousness the phone rang loudly and obnoxiously next to his ear. Groaning he silently cursed whatever had possessed Kadaj to have one of the damn things put in his room. The phone rang a second time, flinging an arm over his closed eyes Yazoo yelled irately,

"Will somebody answer the fucking phone?!" He let out a disgruntled sigh as it rang again and muttered, "Good lord…"

A third ring jarred his senses and he angrily rolled over and yanked the damn thing from its cradle, "Hello?" he snarled. He blinked in shock when Kadaj's voice echoed down the line,

"Hey, Justin!" Yazoo groaned, Kadaj was hyper…Just great. Sighing he sat up massaging his temples and grunted out, "My name isn't Justin…" but he was cut off before he could get any further. "Hey, it's Ed…" Kadaj told him cheerily. Glaring at the bookshelf opposite his bed Yazoo rolled his eyes and muttered sarcastically, "That's great…" He readied himself for a stream of drivel from the youngest clone…and was richly rewarded. "Hey, I…I can't come out tonight." Kadaj told him apologetically. Yazoo stared at the phone for a second in confusion as he replied, "What?!" His little brothers voice lowered conspiratorially as he gleefully told Yazoo, "I'm going to see this girl…"

Rolling his eyes Yazoo flopped back onto the bed as he snapped sarcastically, "But I thought we were gonna have an orgy." For once Kadaj gave what seemed a plausible reply, "No!" For a second Yazoo believed he had calmed down, only for Kadaj to spout, "No, he name is Candy." Yazoo death-glared the posters stuck to his ceiling and growled, "I don't care what her name is!" But Kadaj ignored him and joyfully said, "She's real cute…" Yazoo slapped himself in the face at Kadaj's stupidity when high on sugar, but he knew better than to hang up on the temperamental 'leader' of the brothers, "I gotta go! See ya" Kadaj announced, obviously not hanging up. "What?!" Yazoo yelled in confusion, in the background he heard someone start some music and he groaned for what felt like the thousandth time that night, "Oh hell no…"

Glaring at the offending piece of technology Yazoo balefully smashed down the key which would turn the loudspeaker on, knowing that this was going to be a very one-sided conversation, and threw the headset across the room to thud against the wall. "I know a girl who's tough but sweet," Kadaj began. "More like sour!" Yazoo interjected, safe in the knowledge that he was being ignored by his little brother, "She's so fine, she can't be beat!" Kadaj continued with Yazoo adding in a disgruntled mutter, "I'll fucking beat her…"Kadaj seemed to be warming to his theme as he exclaimed, "She's got everything that I desire." Yazoo rolled his eyes as he replied, "well, she's missing a few inches…"Completely ignoring Yazoo yet again Kadaj continued, "She sets the summer sun on fire!" glaring at the speaker Yazoo growled out, "I'll set her on fire…"

"I want Candy!" Kadaj gleefully yelled down the phone. Yazoo lay still for a few seconds, allowing his younger brothers words to sink in, finally he managed a muted, "Ew…" Seemingly satisfied with this reply Kadaj repeated, "I want Candy!" Summoning his intellect Yazoo muttered, "I didn't know you liked Taco's…" Ignoring the wording Kadaj happily insisted, "I want Candy!" Sighing Yazoo replied sarcastically, "Are you sure it's not 'randy'?!" Once more he was ignored as Kadaj professed yet again, "I want Candy!" Yazoo glared at the world in general as he muttered murderously, "I'll kill that bitch!"

"Go to see her when the sun goes down," Kadaj told Yazoo in a hushed voice. Deciding to play along Yazoo replied innocently, "You always told me you were going to the bathroom!" It seemed to work as Kadaj continued with, "Ain't no finer girl in town!" Yazoo gave an exasperated sigh, when suddenly inspiration hit him…maybe if he said enough things that were totally outrageous Kadaj would shut up! Deciding to start right away he yelled, "Because she's a slut!" It seemed to have no effect as Kadaj went on, "You're my girl! What the doctor ordered!" Sticking to his guns Yazoo spoke witheringly to the phone, "I didn't know you could have a _skank_ on prescription!" Kadaj carried on as if nothing out of the ordinary had been said, "You're so sweet you make my mouth water!" Finally losing it Yazoo yelled the most outrageous thing that came into his head, "because my cock was in your mouth last night!" He instantly slapped a handover his mouth and started hitting his head in disgust.

It didn't seem to have bothered Kadaj however as he once more cried, "I want Candy!" Yazoo stared at the headset incredulously and cautiously ventured to reply with, "Yeah, a candy _penis_!" Once again this elicited no reaction as Kadaj merrily told the world, "I want Candy!" Yazoo was in slight shock from the things he was getting away with saying so he only murmured, "You'll smell of fish…" as a half-hearted reply. "I want Candy!" Kadaj opined once more. Yazoo smirked and snapped, "Bitch – You're not Willy-Wonka!" Unfortunately Kadaj still didn't notice what Yazoo was saying and just said "I want Candy!" Yazoo yelled at the phone once again, "She's just a loose pussied _hoe!!_"

He groaned as Kadaj paused for a few seconds, vainly hoping that he'd snapped out of it, after a few minutes blessed silence Kadaj quietly said, "Hey!" Yazoo massaged his temples and muttered, "What…?" Kadaj once more seemed stuck in his own world as he just cried out louder than before, "Hey!" Getting annoyed Yazoo snapped, "What?!" He could hear the glee in Kadaj's voice as he cried again, "Hey!" Groaning Yazoo muttered, "Why do you keep saying 'hey'?!" Once again his only reply was a joyful, "Hey!" from Kadaj. "Stop it!" Yazoo growled, once again came the bubbly reply of, "Hey!" Letting out a yell of frustration Yazoo asked confusedly, "What is this 'Hey'?!" Kadaj's only reply was yet another, "Hey!" Sitting up again Yazoo screamed at the phone, "Stop it!!" Once more he was met with a merry, "Hey!" from Kadaj. "I will kill you!" Yazoo growled, "Shut up!"

"One last time Kadaj slipped in a sly, "Hey!" but before Yazoo could properly vent his anger Kadaj had continued with, "Candy on the beach, there's nothing better!" Flopping down again in impotent rage Yazoo muttered, "Oh, gag me with a spoon!" Kadaj's voice once again lowered as if he were about to impart a secret, "But I like Candy when it's wrapped in a sweater…" Rolling his eyes Yazoo replied sarcastically, "Well isn't that kinky." Kadaj's next statement threw Yazoo completely for a few seconds as he suddenly burst out with, "Some day soon I'll make you mine!" Finally regaining the use of his voice after the horror of hearing his hyper little psychopathic brother say something like that Yazoo murmured, "You're cock-eyed, I don't want you…" Thankfully Kadaj's next words were, "Then I'll have Candy all the time!" Sighing in relief that Kadaj hadn't been directing that comment at him Yazoo called out, "You'll have to smell of fish all the time!!"

"I want Candy!" Kadaj cried once more, Yazoo groaned, tired of this bit already and muttered to himself, "It's not even Halloween…" Sure enough Kadaj ignored his words and came back with the ever original, "I want Candy!" Yazoo yelled out in frustration, "She's not even a real girl!!" Kadaj's voice sounded ever so slightly petulant as his reply came firmly, "I want Candy!" Yazoo growled in frustration, then in a falsely cheery voice replied brightly, "Great! Let's go to Wall-Mart and get some…" Kadaj's reply was swift, "I want Candy!" Yazoo sighed out, "Oh god…we get the point!"

Suddenly Kadaj went off at a tangent, "Candy in the morning time!" Yazoo ground out a swift, "Ew!" Before Kadaj continued with, "Candy in the hot sunshine!" Yazoo once more interjected with, "Ew!" Kadaj happily came back with, "Candy, baby can't you see," Yazoo muttered a quiet, "No…" before Kadaj cried, "All I want is your Candy!" Yazoo groaned and yelled at the phone, "Gross!"

Kadaj seemed content to repeat himself as he yet again said, "Candy in the morning time!" Yazoo responded with a tired, "Ew…" Only to be ignored as Kadaj once more called out, "Candy in the hot sunshine!" Yawning Yazoo replied with "Ew…" Kadaj's reply came fast on its heels with, "Candy, baby can't you see," Yazoo yawned again and said in a bored voice, "No…" He didn't even have the energy to respond when Kadaj called out once more with, "All I want is you're Candy!"

Just when Yazoo thought Kadaj had shut up for good a sudden shout tore its way out of the speakers, "Hey!" Screaming in frustration Yazoo cried, "Oh no! Not again!" He was smugly answered with a swift, "Hey!" Glaring at the ceiling again Yazoo ground out, "Shut. Up." Kadaj happily replied with an even louder, "Hey!" Yazoo just groaned, this seemed to spur Kadaj on as he called out, "All I want is your Candy! Hey!" Yazoo gave in and yelled out, "Shut up!!" Kadaj's reply was even swifter than before, "Hey!" Yazoo growled threateningly as he said, "I will kill you…" His death threat was interrupted by a hyper, "Hey!" Running a hand irately trough hid long hair Yazoo yelled, "I will kill you with my eye-liner!!" Kadaj didn't even make note of the fact that his effeminate brother just admitted to owing make-up, only replying with a soft, "Hey! All I want is your Candy!" And hanging up the phone abruptly. Yazoo groaned as the dial tone filled the room and muttered, "I'll kill that bitch too…"

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOit'saline!oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

There ya have it, folks! Tell me what you think…

Ps, how do you like my new way of doing lines? Much more efficient than my old way, I think ;)


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